


Leave me to drown

by devinemoon



Series: Sea: the sand, the stars and me, a lonely sailor. [1]
Category: NCT (Band), WAYV
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, M/M, More angst, Sleep Deprivation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:20:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23551429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/devinemoon/pseuds/devinemoon
Summary: "Lately I feel like I’m drowning, and I can’t seem to find the reason why.” He starts tearing up, his hands grip Ten’s sweater as if it was the border of the pool he’s been drowning in.
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Qian Kun
Series: Sea: the sand, the stars and me, a lonely sailor. [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1938652
Comments: 18
Kudos: 96





	Leave me to drown

**Author's Note:**

> it took me way too long hehe. i hope everyone enjoys it and please let me know what you think! -Moon :]<3
> 
> Playlist: 
> 
> Sleepless -Epik High  
> Gondry -Hyukoh  
> Skeletons -Keshi  
> Slow dancing in the dark -re:issues  
> Vanilla Sundae -Emily Burns

Kun tends to overwork himself more that he should and even if he shouldn’t.

It’s a bad habit that over the years only seems to get stronger, but there’s nothing that can stop him when his mind produces ideas at 3 a.m. Nothing can stop him from sitting in his studio until the sun greets the city in the mornings, only then he realizes it’s a new day and he spent his night sitting in a chair instead of sleeping in a comfortable bed.

You see, when he was younger —He feels old just by thinking how long it has been since he was a trainee— he could spend 24 hours inside his studio, barely eating, drinking way more caffeine that what he should. He would turn off his phone, because no one was going to call anyways, and drown in the noise of various instruments.

The downside of spending way too much time alone is that sometimes, when there’s no one to talk to, no one to wait for you to come home and no one to go home and whether you like it or not you end up drowning in your own loneliness. In a country where there’s no mom to ask when are you coming home and no dad to talk to when something is bugging you mind, you have no one choice to let yourself drown, let the water surround you and sink deep into it. Until it rings in your ears and you let your body go with the small waves.

On times like this, when it’s 4 a.m. and he gets frustrated because the song sample he composed is _there_ but doesn’t actually know _how to use it_ , he can’t help but remember all those times when he used his studio to cry in secret. He’s always been strong, but sometimes, when the water is too much, and his body is no longer laying still in the water but panicking while he tries to swim to the top and just _breath_ , he has no other choice but to cry in secret. Because there’s no other time for him to cry but in the a.m., when he’s away from the eyes of all the people who look up to him because he’s strong and never gets upset.

Kun doesn’t cry today, even if he wants to, because he just feels like he can’t. There’s too much going on inside, even if there’s no noise and the city is still mostly asleep on the outside.

There are a lot of thoughts inside his head, yet he can’t seem to be able to use them to finish the song with them. He looks at the ceiling, brows furrowed and fingers annoyingly tapping the desk in front of him. It won’t take long until the sun wakes the city up, and when that happens he would realize that all that time he spent on the studio was just a waste of time and sleep.

He gets up from his chair to grab his phone. When he unlocks it, some missing calls and messages are the first thing that shows on the screen. He doesn’t bother to look and decides to just back home.

On the way home as he’s driving he manages to see the city finally waking up. He wonders if someone is just as frustrated as he is, if they spent the night working, if they’re just as tired as he is.

If they, just like him, feel like drowning and hear the sound of water ringing in their ears just like he does.

The car audio plays songs that get along with the city lights showing in front of his eyes as he drives.

_´Do you have trouble sleeping?´_

He’s closer to home yet he stills feels so far away from it. He has somewhere to go to, but he still feels so lonely that the mere though of home is overwhelming. And he knows he should leave his troubles at work, but they seem to stick to him like small ghost, putting an extra weight on his back. They hold onto him so tight that over the time he learned to carry that extra weight without everyone noticing. They hug him, suffocate him.

_´Are you lonely?´_

_´Are you always sleepless?´_

He’s parked in front of his house and takes a moment to breath. He’s tired, so tired that his mind is filling with water and he’s sitting in the middle, watching the water surround him fast. Way too fast.

He gets out of the car, his feet way too heavy to walk properly just dragging his feet in the pavement that leads to his front door. As he gets his keys out of his backpack, he can hear the water inside his mind dripping slowly, as if it was making fun of him, of the way he’s slowly drowning.

_Drip_

He sees himself inside his mind, sitting in the middle of a pool, water up to his neck, as if it had a hand and was softly choking him, it’s not a warning, it’s cruel reminder. Reminder than he can’t do anything but wait for the water to finally reach the top of his head, to let him sink in than gigantic pool.

_Drip_

He gets inside and takes his shoes off as the water reaches the top. His body feels heavy and cold. He rests his forehead in the wall near the entrance.

_Drip_

“When I woke up a couple of hours ago and didn’t saw my boyfriend sleeping next to me I got a little worried, you know?”

He blinks at Ten´s figure standing a couple of meters away from him, his hair is messy and he’s barefoot. Soft smile present on his lips. Kun realizes Ten knows something is wrong, but he always does.

So, with his feet still dragging against the wooden floor and his shoulders down he takes a couple of steps, seeking comfort and Ten’s warmth.

“I’m sorry” He mumbles against the other’s collarbones. Ten embraces him like no one has before, reassuring him. And somewhere inside Kun’s mind the water starts to drain.

“Talk to me, _baby._ Please?” Ten says, resting his cheek atop Kun’s head.

He takes a couple of deep breaths and trembles involuntarily. He hates it, hates it so much that the words escape from his mind before he has the time to pretend and say, “I’m just tired”. 

“Lately I feel like I’m drowning, and I can’t seem to find the reason why.” He starts tearing up, his hands grip Ten’s sweater as if it was the border of the pool he’s been drowning in. “Even if I feel startle by all the water surrounding me, I can’t seem to know how to swim or how to get away from it. I’m supposed to be the strong one, the one who everyone can go to, the support. But some days I can’t and I’m so tired, Ten. I’m so tired.”

They stay like that for a couple of moments, embracing each other. The only sound the both of them can hear is the grandfather clock inside their living room. The water inside his mind had drained halfway now that he’s safe, inside his lover’s arms.

“Let’s get a bath okay? You need to relax.” Ten whispers, softly. “If you feel like the water is too much I can always drain it for you. I’ll be there the whole time.”

They make their way to the bathroom and while Kun sits on top of the sink Ten gets the bath warm and ready. Making sure to fill it just enough for Kun to feel comfortable. And after taking their clothes off, Ten sinks into the bath first, offering a hand for Kun to hold and get in as well.

The spend more time in silence, Kun’s back resting on Ten´s chest as he pets his hair.

“You don’t have to be the stronger one, you know?” Ten says. “You’re a leader, Kun. But that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel. You’re allowed to get angry, sad, to feel happy too. You’re allowed to feel tired, to ask for a moment to rest. You’re human, you are allowed to feel, no matter your position.”

Kun feels soft lips kissing the nape of his neck as he starts crying again. He cries silently, unable to find words to answer. He doesn’t need to.

“I’m not asking you to share your feelings with everyone right away, after all, you’ve been hiding them for such a long time it must be hard to finally let the free. But if you need to, please share them with me. I’m here with you, and even if I wasn’t here physically you should know that I’m always somewhere close to where you heart is.”

They hold hands underwater, as another reminder. A reminder that as long as Ten is there, there’s no chance for Kun to drown. No chance for his body to feel cold anymore.

He rests his head on Ten’s chest as sleep starts taking control of his body and mind. He’s safe there, even with water surrounding him. He’s okay.

When he opens his eyes, he’s standing in the entrance of his house.

There’s not Ten in front of him. It’s been a couple of years without him now. There’s no warmth, no soft lips, no hands reminding him he’s safe.

No one to talk to, no borders to grip onto.

It’s just him, the faint sound of the grandfather clock in the living room.

And in the back of his mind, a pool overflowing and spilling water everywhere.

**Author's Note:**

> @10velyfebruary on twt


End file.
